rant

time is ticking
mind is my playground
playing a lousy game
i am losing

blows of wind
sands of words
useless chants
battling with chances
chances so dim

hanging on a thread
don't put me down
keep me moaning
red light is a trick
stop me not

the dawn is breaking
someone is leaving
cursing  defeat
a heart left bleeding
time is laughing

playing with fire
burning desires
wanting places
artistry is waning

come on!
turn back the time
ill be sitting still
quite as the dawn's glory
glorious as the wind blows
warm as a burning fire
ill  be waiting.

August Chill

Today is the day that i will die... Its a perfect day to die! The weather is in symphony with what i am feeling... COLD, CHILLY and DARK!

You may think that i am wrong but yes, i have come to a conclusion (because i feel like to conclude) that i am done with life long time ago. I have been living for long but not having life. (i am a walking zombie). I think i am greedy, i have my family, i have a career, i have friends, i have very good friends and i have a superdupergudfriend. (can i say i have a boyfriend?- yeah i have, i think so). Yet, i still feel so naked, so empty. maybe i am one of those disturbed being. Psychotic!

The mask. i am too tired of wearing this mask, its heavy. its killing me. its hard to please people. its grrrrrr... i tried avoiding people but i just cant (can i?), i have to deal with them everyday. I have to wear this smile even if i dont feel like it. i have to feel good even if i dont feel good and in reality i want to punch you in the face. huh! what am i doing here? I wonder if how many of us out there. a clown, a zombie.

FAITH? yes i have faith... i may not be the most religious person but i do believe that somewhere out there "Someone" governs everything. That somewhere in this universe there is a supreme power that i can never measure, nor understand, yet i still choose to believe. Somehow i think that Someone is not please with me now. (i'm sorry)

Today i wanna cry out loud. i just wanna shout out loud. I wanna curl up in my bed, sleep and never wake up. I cannot understand why i feel so sad inside. To wake up each day is a burden... tiresome. I am tired of the routine. Have you ever been on that place of nothingness? that you cant see anything? its neither black nor white because its empty? empty as in NOTHING. Have you ever woke up in the morning and you realized that you've got nothing to live for? This is the exact feeling that i am having right now and it feels so bad and it hurts. It hurts too much and you just want to disappear.. its maddening, it will drive you nuts! its crazy because i have enough of my needs and wants yet  i still feel  f*ck*ng empty!

I think i am angry, i am angry because i am not contented? i dont know. Perhaps i want to die  now because i am contented? maybe. Or maybe i am angry, tired, sad, sick, mad because of my surging hormones? I'm tired of thinking, annalyzing things.. i just want to rest and never wake up.

geeeeeezzz

The thought of you leaving soon is like a paper being crumpled slowly then thrashed then burned.(ouch! that really hurts). Its like being turned upside down, hanged and knocked down by Pacman (TKO! ting ting ting ting..). geezzz... ill miss our long talks!!! I am missing them already (sigh!). I hope i did not bore you with all of my craziness and my silly thoughts (i admire your tolerance) hahaha. As I learned so much from you, I know you learned nothing from me.( so predictable situation) hahaha.

You know what? i always enjoy watching you turns your head from  left to right repeatedly  or is it right to left (?) plus the smirk and then somehow you know how to raise your eyebrows (!!! howd you do that?) everytime I start sharing my spongy and mossy neurons, (hahaha)  its like your way of telling me, that i am "UNBELIEVABLY RIDICULOUS and CUTE at the same time". hahahaha.  Still i am so grateful that you have the guts/gift/powers of hearing me.

Hey, I want you to know that I am just so LUCKY/ BLESSED/FAVORED/HAPPY to have found a friend in you... :)

Really really very very very, THANK YOU!

P.S:

superb job! Clap! Clap! Clap!

dont change. ok? or else.....

Books and Friendship.....

~ hi there... i dont know if you will be able to read this. (i know you'll be laughing at me.... AGAIN). i I think i am so predictable and readable to you ("me" being readable to you, which means "me" being so complicated to others) hahaha. Seriously now, i just got "home" from Jollibee Gorordo to buy my dinner or should i say my very early breakfast (i dont know how to call a meal that equates with brunch but u eat it midway dinner and breakfast-midnight snack? its not a snack, coz its rice and chicken- PM me if u know). 

What got into me as to why iam writing this? i really dont have a clue,the most logical reason i can think of is that, maybe i am in my manic mood right now (forgot to take my pill- kidding). so the topic... books and friendship. :) Well, aside from all the chickas and stories that we've shared, the laughters and tears that i've shed infront of you (correction slightly infront of you), the long talks and foods, the simply being YOU- being so good to me (and to other people), you have the ears that listens to all my  rants about anything and everything, the understanding (w/c made me wonder, how you do it) of me being so unreasonable at times, the PF free advises and most specially the illicit  drugs that you supplied me every now and then (hahaha joke). i think these things made u my SGF. then came the books that adds the letter D to the SGF and puff it became (cococrunch) SDGF. :) 

i love books (they're good company), sometimes they made me think of becoming a librarian (free access to all the books that i want) and  a bookstore owner. :) From the deepest part of my being... THANK YOU SO MUCH.

now let me walk you through to the story of the books....  it all started with Cecelia Ahern's  Love Rosie (AKA Rosie Dunne), its about Alex and Rosie- best friends since childhood who were both destined for each other from the very start. fate palyed with them or should i say they palyed  with fate and waited for long enough (i think they were in their 50's) before they realized that they were made for each other. this is a very lovely, funny book and i had good laugh reading it.

Then came Erich Segal's A love Story, a much acclaimed novel (1970 romance novel). this will teach you that Love means never having to say you're sorry.

Ehem... One day i saw a book lying somewhere (hehe) entitled My Name is Memory by Ann Brashares, you lend me the book (eventually right now I OWNED IT!- thanks) hahaha. Its one of my favorite book, the type of book that i will never get tired of reading over and over again.  On The Way to Cappadocia, 776 is my favorite part of this book (you gotta read it so you will know why its my favorite). :) sample lines: On the 3rd day as we rode I felt the way her body relaxed into mine, and that was a gift. When we stopped to eat in the midday, she spilled rice on my knee, and she smiled. I wanted her to spill a thousand things on me, lava, acid, bricks, anything, and smile each time. (cheezy...well i happened to i love cheese. hehehe)

when it rains it pours! it was mid last year,  i was at SM National bookstore and i decided to have a copy of the Lost Hero by Rick Riordan. i was about to read it, then you advised me to read  Percy Jackson and the Olympians before starting the Lost Hero. And  I did read all the five books (thanks to the library).Wink! -  the genesis as to why i got  hooked with Percy Jackson's adventure with the Olympians! ( and now so looking forward for The Son of Neptune, hopefully this October--> who wants to Sponsor to buy me the book????). :)

Good things come in small packages! Late last year the rain kept on pouring as well as the books. there was Sweet Love by Sarah Strohmeyer- this book made me hungry all the time, for it talks about love over cupcakes, cookies, donut, sweet tea, creamiest coffee, Jell- O, lemon cake and much more. Aside from the love over food inside the package there was Karen Kingsbury's Like the Dandelion Dust which proves that prayers can move mountains. Also at this quarter of the year  I officially OWNED My Name is Memory. yepey! :)

Not so long ago i was talking to J.K Rowling's first Harry Potter book. The adventure with Harry was great, he was fun to be with, all those magic and stuff.... but at the end  i am no Harry's girl. my heart belonged to Percy! :) and now i am dating Rick Riordan once more with the Kanes. thanks to you. 

the story of the books and books and books and books from you......  hi there. :)

P.S1.

~ this aint the last right? hehehe

im still counting. wink!

P.S2

there was Mr. Spark's Dear John...:)

(@FB may 15, 2011)

songs

got no singing voice...i fight for my right to sing though.. :) lately iv been humming and singing these:

http://www.youtube.com/results?search_query=i+finally+found+someone&aq=o (I finally found someone)
 i think i am in love.... finally found someone... (but with whom?~ its like i knew i loved you before i met u thing.??? imaginary again.)

http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=T0l_6Zw1828 (better together by Jack Johnson)
(i love the cool and easy beat of this song. the lyrics is great... and iam a sucker for guitar- but dont know how to play ha..)

There is no combination of words I could put on the postcard
And no song that I could sing, but I can try because this is your heart and this is
Our dreams and they are made out of real things
Like a shoebox of photographs with sepia-toned loving
Love is the answer at least for most of the questions in my heart, like
Why are we here? And where do we go? And how come it's so hard?
It's not always easy and sometimes life can be deceiving
I'll tell you one thing, it's so much better when we're together

Mmm, so much better when we're together
Yeh, we'll look at the stars when we're together
Well it's so much better when we're together
Yeh, it's so much better when we're together

All of these moments just might find their way into my dreams tonight
But I know that they'll be gone when the morning light sings
Or brings new things for tomorrow night you see
They'll be gone too, to many things I have to do
But follow these dreams might find their way into my day to day scene
I'd be under the impression, I was somewhere in between
With only two, just me and you, not so many things we got to do
Or places we got to be, we'll sit beneath the mango tree now

Yeh, so much better when we're together
Mmm, we're somewhere in between together
Well, it's so much better when we're together
Yeh, so much better when we're together

I believe in memories because they look so,
So pretty when I sleep
And when I wake up you look so pretty sleeping next to me
But there is not enough time
And there is no, no song I could sing
And there is no combination of words I could say
But I will still tell you one thing
We're better together
We so much better when we're together
We so much better when we're together

http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=GemKqzILV4w (chasing cars by snow patrol )
well do it all, everything on our own... we dont need anything or anyone. :)

http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=ncur-ce4khY (collide by howie day)
Just because... :) even the best fall down sometimes. even the wrong words seem to ryhme...

http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=yhg3lBGFeac (all the love in tthe world by the corrs)
my song now.

if YOU were still here...

i know you'll be here by December (its my Bday mom)
then we will go to Colon once again (so much with the play of making tawad- we love this game)
then you will have all the complaints that i walk too fast (such a turtle. hehehe)
then you will ask me again to eat at the food stand located at the back of  Metro Gaisano Colon (u knew very well that u cant convince me- hahaha.( yup even with such "bribery"- tempting though. LOL)
then we will go visit the Basilica del Sto Nino. (i wonder what were you praying for).

if you were still here:
i know you will have your own facebook account too. (i cant imagine your comments on my page ma. Gosh! such a scary thought!)LOL
i know you will be switching your globe to sun and i will be receiving calls even during unholy hours. (its call unlimited)
then you will be texting me reminding me of anything, like: "palit nya ug gatas ha" (my reply would be: ma, kalibangaon ko) LOL.
then you will call me again, again and again, because you just cant get enough of me. ;)

if you were still here:
and you have a facebook account i will be the first person to post on your wall a HAPPY BIRTHDAY greeting and all the "greeting- greetings" (i know you'll love it!)
i will be tagging you with all of my pictures (and i know you will be viewing them one by one despite with the horrible signal of internet you'll have). :)
then you will be asking me with so many questions regarding the people around me until i get tired of answering.
then i will give you my famous line: "Ma oi!". hahaha
then perhaps you'll say: "ngano bitaw nag tag2x ka nako". haha (we are so alike, you are so predictable) - indeed you are my MOTHER!


Oh you Regina! you make me miss you so much! :)
I love you ma.
HAPPY BIRTHDAY. :)

breath of death

Deserted.

Buried. Forgotten.

Vanished. Trashed.

Despaired. Pained.

Bellowing like a mad man, until his voice had left him

Moon hidden beneath the darkest sky

Buried alive.

Pulling himself out from the grave

Air was  all he needed.

But the earth was stronger than his might

Scent of death enclosed him

Doors of heaven directed him to abyss

Prayers were said

Tears touched down his lips

 He then gave his last blow of breath

Then death.

swept away

I went to the city to get better…

They let me lie down in that cold table.

Separated my from my mother

They made me sleep.

I slept… it was a dreamless sleep.

I let them open me

My heart is in their hands

Gasp of air!

I needed air.

Something just exploded

Like an angry volcano,

Lava all over the place

Panic in their faces I see.

In the table I can see me…

Rivers of red overflowing…

It was so red… the deepest red I’ve ever seen

I tried to swim in my river, it was warm.

Warm as my mother’s touch.

Warmness that I wanted to last forever.

“Going down… flat line” they say

The scene is incomprehensible

My mind is spinning.

Suddenly everything turned white

I can no longer breath…

Then a spark of electricity ran trough me

I jolted.

But it was not enough

The river ceased flowing.

He held his hand. He pumped my heart.

Life is leaving me.

I can hear someone said: fixed dilated!

I am cold.

The table is colder.

Everything is cold.

Under that big light they sewn me up.

The work was perfect.

I slept well.

“I went to the city to get better”.

Chicken..ing yet Palying

It’s like dipping in cold waters for the first time      

  ( you woke me up)

 

Shivers all over me                                

 (in the stillness of waters you surfaced)

Slowly, walls are breaking down          
(from the abyss of my fears you pacified my soul)

I am so afraid- I might fall… Again.    
 (from the pit…  you took me up)

A decade and more                              
 (a decade and more, I hope you will carry me )

I never forget… and never will.            
 (I never forget…  and never will.)

Streaks of smile                                     

 (colors of joy)

Play of thoughts                                   
 (ripples of love)

The wonders of words                       
 (the journey was long)                

Lulling me to oblivion                            
 (tomorrow awaits us)

Entwining souls I can almost see             

 (two souls entwined into one)

But shadows haunting me                         

 (Maybe haunted but not afraid)

Hanged once… hanged twice     
 (hanged once… hanged twice, they can hang me a millionth times)

Dreaming rather than living                 
 (I will still dream and I will live)

Still caught in the web of lies                

 (leaving the past behind)

Round and round                                  

 (round and round)

Whorls of turns                                     
 (whorls of turns… amongst it all we found each other)

Faith I cannot gamble.                           

 (laid all the cards… now, lets play it well).

CHICKEN.....ing

It’s like dipping in cold waters for the first time
Shivers all over me
Slowly, walls are breaking down
I am so afraid- I might fall… Again.
A decade and more
I never forget… and never will.
Streaks of smile
Play of thoughts
The wonders of words
Lulling me to oblivion.
Entwining souls I can almost see
But shadows haunting me
Hanged once… hanged twice
Dreaming rather than living
Still caught in the web of lies
Round and round
Whorls of turns
Faith I cannot gamble. ~






                                                             

When Love Is Wrong

For a minute let me linger inside your world

Cling on your lips and witness heaven on earth

Bursting like stardust

A celestial fire engulfed my soul

Cover me with your warmth

For another minute let me linger inside your world.

Caress me with your lullabies

Tonight as the world sleeps, let me cradle by your side

Scented illusion of forever

A trick of time, a trick of mind

Insane, silly, foolish heart of mine

Never ask me why, never wonder how

For a minute let me linger inside your world.

Kiss me like the first morning dew

Hold me like you will never let go

For a little while let me be your home

For another minute let me linger inside your world.

Oh my sweetest tempest!

This silly heart, this trick of time, this illusion of mine

For a moment let me linger…

Linger. Linger.  And.  Linger.

OVER and OUT

Flames had died down

Moving on a fast lane

Changing gears now

Ready for a ride

Heading somewhere

Adventure awaits me.

Winter is over

Spring is here

Flying with no wings

It’s like breathing for the first time

Staring at the velvet sky

Stars twinkles beautifully

My heart smiled.

Morning dew on my window pane

Sun kissed my soul

Oh! This is great!

I can see my tomorrow

Its like heaven

Simple, pure and peaceful.

Crippled Jane

Lying still in my bed.

Deafening sound of silence.

Staring on an empty wall.

Seemed paralyzed.

I do not want to move.

My mind is raising to nothingness.

I am trying to think…

Thinking… Thinking… Thinking…

Too remote  from the truth.

This is not my idea of solitude.

Oh no! I am going down the drain.

Trying to reason out… “ I am tired”…  PATHETIC ! LAME!

Panicking… tick tock tick tock… checking out the time.

Waste. I am wasting my precious time.

Staring on an empty wall.

Hoping  for a stray of light.

Planning to grab a book, make coffee for myself …  but I am comatose!

But! So many buts…

Phone is ringing. No strength to pick it up. 

What am I doing?

Laziness. Has. Crippled. Me.

Damn!  This is my lazy day!

IRONY (ahy-ruh-nee)

And why I am in Pediatrics?

 

1.        Because I am not fond of kids.
2.        Because I always hated computations.
3.        Because I am not the “meticulous type” of person.
4.        Because I wanted to become an internist. ( A cardiologist for that matter.)
5.        Because I hate challenging IV insertions. (time consuming)
6.        Because I don’t understand as to why babies keeps on crying, even if you have             given     them everything. (OK, so maybe my “everything” is not their everything)
7.        Because I find Harrison’s Principles of Internal Medicine more appealing than Nelson Textbook of   Pediatrics.
8.       Because I don’t like NICU.
9.       Because I hate the developmental milestone topic.
10.       Because…  just because I don’t like pedia from the the very start…. 

      Really, i never imagined myself of becoming a Pediatrician. I dont like handling little/tiny things, i am so clumsy and babies are just too fragile for me to handle. Most of all pediatrics is all about details and i am not good with details. But here I am in the department of PEDIATRICS trying hard to be better each day. And little by little i learned to embrace the craft... little by little like baby steps i learned to love Pediatrics. :) 

  

Everything happens for a reason. There is no such thing as a wrong place or a wrong time... only a wrong person. (hahaha- just being bitter).

 

Bloom where you are planted and everything will turn out just fine.

By Salvador Dali

Drawing is the honesty of the art. There is no possibility of cheating. It is either good or bad.
Have no fear of perfection-you’ll never reach it. Mistakes are almost always of a sacred nature. Never try to correct them. On the contrary: rationalize them, understand them thoroughly. After that, it will be possible for you to sublimate them.

The first man to compare the cheeks of a young woman to a rose was a poet; the first to repeat it was an idiot.

The difference between false memories and true ones is the same as for jewels: it is always the false ones that look the most real, the most brilliant.

At the age of six years I wanted to be a chef. At the age of seven I wanted to be Napoleon. My ambitions have continued to grow at the same rate ever since. Every morning when I awake, the greatest of joys is mine: that of being Salvador Dali. There are some days when I think I’m going to die from an overdose of satisfaction.

I do not paint a portrait to look like the subject, rather does the person grow to look like his portrait.
Many people do not reach their eighties because they spend too much time in their forties.

The only difference between me and a madman is that I am not mad.

 

Salvador Domingo Felipe Jacinto Dalí i Domènech, Marquis of Dalí de Púbol (May 11, 1904 – January 23, 1989), commonly known as Salvador Dalí. He was a Surrealist painter. According to wikipedia: " his unusual and grandiose behavior, draw attention to himself. This sometimes irked those who loved his art as much as it annoyed his critics, since his eccentric manner sometimes drew more public attention than his artwork."

 

"I found this piece way back May of 2010. i don't  have any idea who he was but he caught my attention. he made me ponder. i found this one something worth reading. So have a piece of this piece." :)